Dear Chad
by DancingRaindrops
Summary: -"There will never be a day when I won't think of you."- Sonny writes a series of notes as weeks go by. T for angst.


A/N: This is decidedly one of the oddest things that I have ever written. I don't even know how I feel about it. I just finished writing it, and I'm...feeling rather conflicted myself. Please do read it, though. I'd love to hear what you think. For everyone who is misunderstood. I don't own the quote at the beginning, it's from the _Phantom of the Opera_. Enjoy :)

**Dear Chad**

_"There will never be a day when I won't think of you."  
_

It's the weekend after Thanksgiving.

A cold gust of wind blows through the window.

The autumn weather chills her, even through her warm red sweater.

The papers on the table flutter, as if deciding whether or not to simply blow away.

She doesn't bother to hold them down.

Instead, she looks at them mournfully, as if to ask why they would want to leave.

Most of them obey her unspoken wish, staying put as the cool breeze dies down.

But a few fly off the table and settle on the floor, causing nothing but pain and trouble.

And one makes its way out the window easily, turning and tumbling along with the brightly colored fallen leaves, without ever even contemplating whether or not to go.

She watches as it leaves her, never whispering a word of protest.

But the unspoken look in her eyes says more than enough.

With her eyes still wet with tears and the pain still fresh from his departure only a few hours ago, she picks up a pen from the table.

She bends down to retrieve the fallen papers and straightens them, rearranging her pile of blank sheets.

She selects the first piece of paper and sets her pen to it.

And she begins to write.

_Dear Chad,  
I miss you. So, so much.  
When will you come back?  
I'm counting the seconds.  
Each one is an eternity.  
All my love, Sonny._

It's raining.

The steady beat of raindrops against the window is soothing in a way.

A constant rhythm, something to hold onto as everything else changes.

She sits at the table, a blanket wrapped around her and the chair, keeping her warm.

Physically, at least.

It's been two weeks.

With no word from him.

The last she's heard from him was the "I love you" that left his lips when they said goodbye.

That is, not counting how he appears in her dreams every night that she's able to fall asleep.

But it's not the same as having him here.

The tempo of the rain increases, pounding against the glass now as if determined to break it.

The window holds on.

_Dear Chad,  
I haven't heard from you yet. Are you alright?  
How is everything? I suppose you've settled in by now. Is it nice there?  
It's raining here.  
__I remember nights like these.  
__When you used to hold me in your arms and whisper in my ear at night.  
__When the thunder would keep me awake.  
__I haven't slept the past two nights.  
__My eyes are red-rimmed and my head is aching, but all I can think of is you.  
__I love and miss you with all my heart.  
__All my love, Sonny._

It's Christmas morning.

It's all she can do to keep from dissolving into tears.

Cold sunlight streams through the window, offering light but little warmth.

She clutches the mug of hot chocolate in her hands, letting the heat seep into her fingertips.

A pot containing a few crimson poinsettias sits in the corner, a secluded burst of holiday spirit.

Next to it is a single present, a red box with a green bow tied perfectly on top, a card attached with a string.

The present that's been sitting in the closet for weeks.

The one that she's been dying to peek at.

It's the only present she hasn't opened yet.

Slowly, she makes her way over to the gift and reads the note with trembling fingers.

**"DO NOT OPEN THIS UNTIL CHRISTMAS MORNING! It's a surprise! I love you."**

The familiar handwriting brings tears to her eyes, but she wipes them away hastily.

Too many tears have been shed.

She tugs lightly on the ribbon, letting the bow unravel itself and fall off the box.

Her anticipation building, she lifts the lid of the box and peeks inside.

She pulls out the contents with shaking hands, a black velvet box now sitting on the palm of her hand.

Nestled in the center of the box is a diamond solitaire ring.

_Dear Chad,  
Yes.  
__Yes.  
__Yes.  
__Always.  
__All my love, Sonny.  
__P.S. Merry Christmas._

It's one minute to midnight.

Fireworks are already going off outside, explosions lighting up the sky.

Their sparks reflect off of the ring on her left hand, sending rainbows across the room.

The corner of her mouth twitches, as if it's ready to curl up into a smile.

Not quite yet.

It's been over a month.

The clock hanging on the wall ticks away the seconds.

Thirty more to go.

In only thirty seconds, life will begin anew.

Many changes will take place.

She'll become a new person.

With a new last name.

With kisses every morning, noon, and night.

With hands holding one another on walks along the beach.

With a smile that melts her in a heartbeat.

_Ten. Nine. Eight._

She promises the stars that she'll always love him.

It's not even a resolution.

It's a given.

_Three. Two. One._

She presses her lips to the diamond adorning her finger.

"Happy New Year."

_Dear Chad,  
__You missed New Year's.  
__It wasn't much of a celebration anyway.  
__But I promise you that this year will be the best you've ever had.  
__We'll begin our life together, truly.  
__It will be everything we've ever dreamed of.  
__Come back. Come home.  
__All my love, Sonny._

It's the day of love.

It feels like the day of heartbreak.

She sits by the phone all day, waiting for a call that never comes.

There's a card sitting on the table, but it isn't from him.

It's from her former friends, urging her to leave the house and join them today.

To have fun with them.

To laugh and smile and maybe even flirt with someone on the street.

In other words, to forget him.

As if she could ever forget.

She picks up the card and studies it for a moment.

They don't know what they're talking about.

With careful, measured precision, she rips the card into half.

Again and again.

Soon only a pile of shredded cardstock sits in front of her.

It reminds her of everything she had.

Everything she's lost.

_Dear Chad,  
__I haven't heard from you since November.  
__You promised you would speak to me.  
__You promised.  
__It's Valentine's Day today, Chad, and you're not here with me.  
__My heart is breaking.  
__All my love, Sonny._

It's his birthday.

March 8. She'll never forget it.

She sits in the worn chair, looking out the same window as always.

Gray skies loom overhead, a dull blur of clouds above.

It's as though everyone and everything has decided to spend today being miserable.

She finds it hard to swallow now.

Every exhale seems to sigh his name.

And though she denies it vehemently, there's a feeling in her gut that she can't let go of.

"Happy birthday."

She pulls the present out of the folds of her blanket, setting it on the table.

It thuds with a finality, echoing throughout the room.

And her world comes tumbling down.

The last thing she hears, between the sobs and her own anguished screams, is the windowpane shattering.

Her gorgeous diamond ring rests on the ground outside, surrounded in shards of glass.

_Dear Chad,  
__I hate you.  
__I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.  
__Sonny._

It's the first day of summer.

When the sunlight touches her face, it's magical.

She hasn't been out in the sun for six months.

Today is the day she will begin again.

A few signatures on meaningless papers later, she's free.

They escort her to her home, open the front door for her and make sure everything's in order.

She ignores them.

When she enters the room, her head begins to hurt with the memory of it.

The window has been fixed. Everything is cleaned up.

There's no trace of the chaos.

And when she looks in the mirror, there's nothing but a confused and tired girl looking back at her.

The door closes softly as they leave, their white uniforms disappearing out into the driveway.

They'll come back. But she doesn't mind so very much anymore.

Instead, she reaches with quivering fingers toward her neck.

Strung along the plain silver chain is a ring.

An engagement ring, actually.

She holds it close.

_Chad_.

When she sits at the table again, the words let themselves out.

_Dear Chad,  
__I understand now.  
__I spent weeks and months trying to figure it out.  
__But it all makes so much sense now.  
__You're never coming back.  
__You left me.  
__And I don't know why.  
__But I do know that it's time for me to let go.  
__You'll always be in my heart, though.  
__I miss you so, so much.  
__I'm yours. Always.  
__All my love, Sonny._

The words are short and strained, but it's all that her heart can manage for now.

They're true, and that's what matters.

She folds up the paper neatly, creasing each side at a perfect angle.

When it's in a perfect square, she walks over to the stove and sets it on top.

The blue flames consume it within seconds.

Ashes of all her notes cover the stove.

Never delivered to the recipient.

She unhooks the chain of her necklace and slides the ring off.

Plucking a white rose from the vase of flowers the workers left behind, she threads the stem through the ring.

It's how she'll say goodbye.

She picks up the phone and dials the rehabilitation center where she's spent so much of her time lately.

"Hello?"

"Hi. It's me. Sonny."

"Yes, Sonny? Do you need anything?"

"I'd like a car. To take me to the graveyard. To Chad Dylan Cooper's grave."

"Of course."

"Thank you."

A/N: Please review.


End file.
